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| Clio, Muse of Writing and History Greek Muses |
It’s hard when Passion grabs you by the throat and makes you
pay attention, forcing everything else to fall away. Life fades into the background as you become
a thrall to whatever has taken control of your waking mind and dreaming
soul. As a creative person I find it difficult to
balance life when Passion takes the wheel.
It's even harder when it doesn’t.
This blog has sat dormant for almost a year. It isn’t that I don’t have things to say or
thoughts to share. I don’t know why I
haven’t been able to put all the thoughts running through my head down in
words. I know part of it is the feeling
no one is really interested in my musings and worries. How vain is it to think someone would want to
hear what rolls around in your head on a daily basis? Part of it stems from an inability to find
the right words to grapple with all that I have been trying to sort out. I have a book, a series of books actually,
that I have been working on for almost five years. I have short stories and essays I have
written. I have words, stories,
thoughts, feelings and fears but I don’t seem to have the ability to get them
out. What the hell is that all about?
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| Pandora's Box by Waterhouse |
I also have a secret.
Well, not so much a secret, some people know but it isn’t something I
talk about unless life forces my hand. I wonder
though if keeping my struggles to myself, holding the silence, is
somehow gaging my voice. Could it be
that secrets bleed silence into more than the object of the secret itself? So, I suppose the only thing to do is let go
of the secret, make it less, give it light, let the monster out of the closet
because when we keep our fears and weaknesses in the dark we are only allowing
them room to grow.
In 2008 I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called
Ankylosing spondylitis- a disease where your immune system attacks cartilage,
fusing bones over time. When I moved to New
England in 2009 I was on a medication that depressed my immune system. I caught H1N1 and became very, very ill. I recovered but, in changing doctors, I also
had a diagnosis change from AS to Fibromyalgia.
I will be honest. It really
pissed me off! Fibromyalgia is a
diagnosis many doctors and people alike consider fake and affecting only the
weak minded. AS was scary but it was real. I felt hopeless and hurting
not to mention crazy. Depression creeped
into the edges of my life until it took over almost completely.
Between the pain of daily life and emotional pain the
depression has caused, every day since then has been an excruciating
challenge. I am grateful for
the fighting “screw you “spirit I inherited from my parents. This “never say die” attitude has been my
greatest weapon but also my biggest challenge as I resist the very things that
help-medication, rest and relaxation. I have been
blessed with a husband who not only accepts my limitations but encourages me to
rest when I don’t want to let go; but I see the toll it takes on him when he
feels like the whole world is on his shoulders and it hurts my soul. I don’t want my kids to have their childhood
memories tainted with a pervasive image of Mom sick in bed or not at This Game or
That Function because she didn’t feel well.
I am lucky. It isn’t
cancer. For now it doesn’t seem to be
AS- a disease that progressively destroys the axial body- even though there is
the chance that my diagnosis will change as a possibly slow progression of AS
shows itself over time. I am grateful
for what I have but I want more. I want
to write. I want to be able to think
without struggling to find simple words.
I want to wake up with the energy to take on the world. I want to let go of the shame of not being
enough and embrace my life and my future with the passion I once had.
I used to say “I will do it later. There is time.” It’s later and I am tired of waiting. I want the world and I want it now. I am not afraid to work for it, to risk and
fail and rebound. I am only afraid this never ending struggle to push through
the crap of everyday will overwhelm me.
I can’t bully my way through this as I have always done with life’s inevitable
challenges. Brute force doesn’t work
anymore and I am so very tired of trying.
Maybe that is the lesson here. In the past, I have reached every goal I set for
myself through sheer determination and moxy.
I pushed. I pulled. I clawed. I
never gave up. Maybe this time it is
about giving up and letting go. I don’t
mean letting go of my dreams. I don’t think that option is in my DNA. Rather, it’s
about letting go of control and learning to steer the boat on the river rather
than pushing so hard against the current.
It’s about trusting in the future, letting go of the past and really
living in the now. It’s about letting go
of the shame of not being perfect
The secret is out- I am not Wonder Woman. Not such a big one, is it? So then why do I feel like I am standing here
in my underwear?
The first step to writing is having something to say. The
second step is being honest about what you say- brutally honest. Writing is about Truth. So here is my Truth: I have limits, boundaries and that has to be
ok. I have good days and really sucky
days. There are days when I hurt so much
that I can barely move. There have been days
when my depression was so severe I didn’t even care that I hurt. But there are days like today when I remember
that I am on this earth for a reason. I
am a writer and I tell the truth.
I
teach my children to, above all else, do everything with truth and compassion. Perhaps it is time I give some of that gift
to myself. Truth: I am human. As for Compassion? That
is a work in progress but it is a worthy work accomplished by love and patience
and there can never be enough of that in this world.
