Wednesday, September 8, 2021

 

Payback
By Rebecca M Holdsworth

As published in The Kid Turned Out Fine: Moms Fess Up About Cartoons, Candy, And What It Really Takes to Be a Good Parent (Paperback)
by Paula Ford-Martin (Editor)Adams Media Corporation (April 30, 2006) Language: English ISBN-10: 1593375174 ISBN-13: 978-1593375171

I have just come to a rather startling and self-effacing conclusion: I was a much better parent before I had children. Over the past five years I have traveled the twisting and turning road of parenthood and the reality of raising four young children is far different than my preconceived notions of what real parenting should be.

When I began thinking about having children I did what I imagine many potential parents do: I stopped; I took a good look around me; And I blasted every perceived slip-up of every parent I saw. Leaving my house was no longer the innocent journey it once had been. I was watching and my mental checklist was working overtime.

Restaurants and shopping malls became my hunting ground. See that mom with the screaming two-year-old in the men’s section of the department store? That will not be me. If my child ever behaves that way I will pick him up immediately and march his little screaming self to the car. All of my shopping would have to wait. I will show my child who’s the boss! Me.

Then there was that “monster” in my favorite restaurant. The one over at a table in the corner. There she was, screeching that she “wasn’t going to eat that!” Then she crawled underneath the table not to be hauled out again until the check was signed and the tip left. NO, no. My husband and I would tsk tsk, shake our heads and say, “Oh No”. Our children will eat what they are given. They will behave as proper ladies and gentlemen. They will use their utensils, speak in a properly modulated voice and always say “please” and “thank you.” Our children will behave properly.

The problem with today’s children as I saw it was a lack of manners and respect. I saw this as a direct result of the “I’m ok, you’re OK” parenting style so popular with some of my parent’s generation.

I remember it something like this:

“Oh no. Our little one is not behaving badly by hitting little Bobby. He is simply trying to express his natural athletic ability and don’t you think we should find a suitable outlet-like boxing?”

Bah! That was all a bunch of malarkey, pure lazy parenting on their part. Or so I thought. Did you ever hear the old adage about walking in another’s shoes? Or, how about the one about throwing stones in glass houses? Well honey, stand back because the stones are flying and the walls are comin’ down!

What I didn’t realize during those years of sticking my nose in the air and damming the bedraggled parenting masses was someone was listening. Someone was up there with a notebook and pencil chuckling to himself as he recorded each time I swore my child wouldn’t behave that way. And boy did I get my just due for all that pre-parenting smugness.

Do you remember that poor mother in the men’s department store stoically pushing her screaming toddler up and down the aisles of modern fashion? What I didn’t realize between the wails for candy and shushes from mom was if she came home without socks for her husband, she would have to tell him why he was missing all twelve pair of work socks and why his sock drawer still held a residual smell of diaper cream. I know this because that was me. And right after the socks mommy had to buy more diaper cream- and put it up higher this time-away from curious hands.

Remember that lovely couple with the child in the restaurant screeching about her meal? What I couldn’t possibly have known while I was calmly munching on my appetizers and sipping on a cool glass of Chardonnay was this family hadn’t been out of the house in what seemed like forever. Only their acute and unrelenting desire to eat somewhere where the meals didn’t come in a folding paper box with a prize at the bottom drove them to take such desperate measures. This was how they found themselves sitting in an elegant seafood restaurant with a little tyrant masquerading as their lovely and gracious three-year-old.

What I didn’t hear while I was enjoying light conversation about the state of the economy and our upcoming jaunt to the shore was that said three-year-old swearing she would be good if she could just have a lobster like Mommy and Daddy. Only too eager for a quiet dinner, the parents took the bait. As the waitress set the glorious steaming delicacy under her little upturned nose the precious little angel began to shriek “I’m not eating that bug!” in a voice loud enough to rattle the windows. I know this because that was me and I was the one wanting to duck under the table and come out only after the meal was over.

It was also me who, while sitting in another restaurant talking to a friend while our children ate, heard a ripple of laughter pass through the dining room. I looked around to see what joke I was missing only to see my sweet and delicate daughter sitting demurely by with two french-fries jammed up her nose. The joke was on me.

It was me who stood watching in the mall as my child threw herself onto the floor kicking and screaming after being denied another ice cream cone. It was me waiting in line at the upscale boutique while my little girl stood in the display window gaily waving and dancing for all the shoppers as they passed by. It was also me who turned to my friend and announced loudly so the cashier could hear “Will you go and get your daughter!”

I think it is much too easy for those who don’t have children to turn their noses up at those who do and add to their mental list of what kind of parent they will or will not be in the future.

As for all of those things my husband and I swore we would or would not do? We have dragged the occasional child out of a mall for bad behavior but that was usually after the major purchase had been made and all bribery with lollipops had failed. Let’s face it. How often can you find the time to even get to the store much less find an opportunity to go again? Where food is concerned, we do insist our children try everything but you do have to admit a lobster “in-the-rough” does look an awful lot like huge insect. A girlfriend of mine recently confided she is frequently seen roaming the aisles of her local grocery store trying to sing to herself loudly enough to drown out the sound of her screaming toddler.

Parenting is a challenge. It is a joy, but it is a challenge. My husband likes to repeat the adage, “The first casualty of combat is the plan.” In other words, nothing ever goes completely to plan-not even parenting. Especially not parenting. You can dream and wish and plan how you as a parent will handle your future brood but until you are there in the trenches you will never be sure. After all a family is the meshing of many different personalities in many different situations. Take two parents, one child, seven days in a week, fifty-two weeks in a year- (you can see where I am going with this)- and the possibilities are endless.

I am not saying parenting should be likened to a battle although some days it sure feels like one. It is actually the opposite. In my case, being an effective parent is more about not fighting. It is about choosing when and where and why I want to “fight” and when to retreat.

I was a much better parent before I had children. Then it was very simple. It was black and white. Yes and no. Then again, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe now that I am a parent I have changed my definitions of what a good parent is. I know now it isn’t about appearances. They are going to scream. They are going to embarrass you. They are going to stick french-fries up their nose. They are going to be…well, kids. The trick for us as adults is to remember if it isn’t fatal it isn’t, well, fatal. We need to remember to cut ourselves a break once in a while. These kinds of things are what being a child and a parent all are about. It doesn’t make us bad parents and it doesn’t mean we have failed to be the parent we thought we would be. Here the greatest tool we have in our parenting bag is a sense of humor.

As for all of you out there who are not yet convinced of the potent karmic nature of parenting I have one last note of caution. As all of you sit watching all of us floundering in the murky waters of parenthood; cut us (and your future selves) a break. Remember. When ever you feel a bout of judgment coming on as you witness some poor soul and his half-pint charges navigating through the mall or your favorite restaurant, be careful. Any judgment you make may prove to come back to you in time- threefold. Remember: Someone is listening. He is taking notes and He has a sense of humor too.

This article can be found here: https://books.google.com/books?id=Gv7sDQAAQBAJ&pg=PT43&lpg=PT43&dq=payback+paula-ford+martin&source=bl&ots=ubGXE6pXH1&sig=ACfU3U1sfDRPqt-j8nlNB0fRoFbFxGIuMA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiUppTB3e_yAhXyUjUKHbubDWsQ6AF6BAgeEAM#v=onepage&q=payback%20paula-ford%20martin&f=false

But this book : The Kid Turned Out Fine, edited by Paula Ford-Martin here: https://www.amazon.com/Kid-Turned-Out-Fine-Cartoons-ebook/dp/B005GIRNOC/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=the+kid+turned+out+fine&qid=1631116398&sr=8-2

No comments:

Post a Comment