As published in The Kid Turned Out Fine:
Moms Fess Up About Cartoons, Candy, And What It Really Takes to Be a Good
Parent (Paperback)
by Paula
Ford-Martin (Editor)Adams Media Corporation (April 30, 2006) Language: English ISBN-10:
1593375174 ISBN-13: 978-1593375171
I have just come to a rather startling and self-effacing
conclusion: I was a much better parent before I had children. Over the past
five years I have traveled the twisting and turning road of parenthood and the
reality of raising four young children is far different than my preconceived
notions of what real parenting should be.
When I began thinking about having children I did what I imagine many potential
parents do: I stopped; I took a good look around me; And I blasted every
perceived slip-up of every parent I saw. Leaving my house was no longer the
innocent journey it once had been. I was watching and my mental checklist was
working overtime.
Restaurants and shopping malls became my hunting ground. See that mom with the
screaming two-year-old in the men’s section of the department store? That will
not be me. If my child ever behaves that way I will pick him up immediately and
march his little screaming self to the car. All of my shopping would have to
wait. I will show my child who’s the boss! Me.
Then there was that “monster” in my favorite restaurant. The one over at a
table in the corner. There she was, screeching that she “wasn’t going to eat
that!” Then she crawled underneath the table not to be hauled out again until
the check was signed and the tip left. NO, no. My husband and I would tsk tsk,
shake our heads and say, “Oh No”. Our children will eat what they are given.
They will behave as proper ladies and gentlemen. They will use their utensils,
speak in a properly modulated voice and always say “please” and “thank you.”
Our children will behave properly.
The problem with today’s children as I saw it was a lack of manners and
respect. I saw this as a direct result of the “I’m ok, you’re OK” parenting
style so popular with some of my parent’s generation.
I remember it something like this:
“Oh no. Our little one is not behaving badly by hitting little Bobby. He is
simply trying to express his natural athletic ability and don’t you think we
should find a suitable outlet-like boxing?”
Bah! That was all a bunch of malarkey, pure lazy parenting on their part. Or so
I thought. Did you ever hear the old adage about walking in another’s shoes?
Or, how about the one about throwing stones in glass houses? Well honey, stand
back because the stones are flying and the walls are comin’ down!
What I didn’t realize during those years of sticking my nose in the air and
damming the bedraggled parenting masses was someone was listening. Someone was
up there with a notebook and pencil chuckling to himself as he recorded each
time I swore my child wouldn’t behave that way. And boy did I get my just due
for all that pre-parenting smugness.
Do you remember that poor mother in the men’s department store stoically
pushing her screaming toddler up and down the aisles of modern fashion? What I
didn’t realize between the wails for candy and shushes from mom was if she came
home without socks for her husband, she would have to tell him why he was
missing all twelve pair of work socks and why his sock drawer still held a
residual smell of diaper cream. I know this because that was me. And right
after the socks mommy had to buy more diaper cream- and put it up higher this
time-away from curious hands.
Remember that lovely couple with the child in the restaurant screeching about
her meal? What I couldn’t possibly have known while I was calmly munching on my
appetizers and sipping on a cool glass of Chardonnay was this family hadn’t
been out of the house in what seemed like forever. Only their acute and
unrelenting desire to eat somewhere where the meals didn’t come in a folding
paper box with a prize at the bottom drove them to take such desperate
measures. This was how they found themselves sitting in an elegant seafood
restaurant with a little tyrant masquerading as their lovely and gracious
three-year-old.
What I didn’t hear while I was enjoying light conversation about the state of
the economy and our upcoming jaunt to the shore was that said three-year-old
swearing she would be good if she could just have a lobster like Mommy and
Daddy. Only too eager for a quiet dinner, the parents took the bait. As the
waitress set the glorious steaming delicacy under her little upturned nose the
precious little angel began to shriek “I’m not eating that bug!” in a voice
loud enough to rattle the windows. I know this because that was me and I was
the one wanting to duck under the table and come out only after the meal was
over.
It was also me who, while sitting in another restaurant talking to a friend
while our children ate, heard a ripple of laughter pass through the dining
room. I looked around to see what joke I was missing only to see my sweet and
delicate daughter sitting demurely by with two french-fries jammed up her nose.
The joke was on me.
It was me who stood watching in the mall as my child threw herself onto the
floor kicking and screaming after being denied another ice cream cone. It was
me waiting in line at the upscale boutique while my little girl stood in the
display window gaily waving and dancing for all the shoppers as they passed by.
It was also me who turned to my friend and announced loudly so the cashier
could hear “Will you go and get your daughter!”
I think it is much too easy for those who don’t have children to turn their
noses up at those who do and add to their mental list of what kind of parent
they will or will not be in the future.
As for all of those things my husband and I swore we would or would not do? We
have dragged the occasional child out of a mall for bad behavior but that was
usually after the major purchase had been made and all bribery with lollipops
had failed. Let’s face it. How often can you find the time to even get to the
store much less find an opportunity to go again? Where food is concerned, we do
insist our children try everything but you do have to admit a lobster
“in-the-rough” does look an awful lot like huge insect. A girlfriend of mine
recently confided she is frequently seen roaming the aisles of her local
grocery store trying to sing to herself loudly enough to drown out the sound of
her screaming toddler.
Parenting is a challenge. It is a joy, but it is a challenge. My husband likes
to repeat the adage, “The first casualty of combat is the plan.” In other
words, nothing ever goes completely to plan-not even parenting. Especially not
parenting. You can dream and wish and plan how you as a parent will handle your
future brood but until you are there in the trenches you will never be sure.
After all a family is the meshing of many different personalities in many
different situations. Take two parents, one child, seven days in a week,
fifty-two weeks in a year- (you can see where I am going with this)- and the
possibilities are endless.
I am not saying parenting should be likened to a battle although some days it
sure feels like one. It is actually the opposite. In my case, being an
effective parent is more about not fighting. It is about choosing when and
where and why I want to “fight” and when to retreat.
I was a much better parent before I had children. Then it was very simple. It
was black and white. Yes and no. Then again, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe now that I
am a parent I have changed my definitions of what a good parent is. I know now
it isn’t about appearances. They are going to scream. They are going to
embarrass you. They are going to stick french-fries up their nose. They are
going to be…well, kids. The trick for us as adults is to remember if it isn’t
fatal it isn’t, well, fatal. We need to remember to cut ourselves a break once
in a while. These kinds of things are what being a child and a parent all are
about. It doesn’t make us bad parents and it doesn’t mean we have failed to be
the parent we thought we would be. Here the greatest tool we have in our
parenting bag is a sense of humor.
As for all of you out there who are not yet convinced of the potent karmic
nature of parenting I have one last note of caution. As all of you sit watching
all of us floundering in the murky waters of parenthood; cut us (and your
future selves) a break. Remember. When ever you feel a bout of judgment coming
on as you witness some poor soul and his half-pint charges navigating through
the mall or your favorite restaurant, be careful. Any judgment you make may
prove to come back to you in time- threefold. Remember: Someone is listening.
He is taking notes and He has a sense of humor too.
This article can be found here: https://books.google.com/books?id=Gv7sDQAAQBAJ&pg=PT43&lpg=PT43&dq=payback+paula-ford+martin&source=bl&ots=ubGXE6pXH1&sig=ACfU3U1sfDRPqt-j8nlNB0fRoFbFxGIuMA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiUppTB3e_yAhXyUjUKHbubDWsQ6AF6BAgeEAM#v=onepage&q=payback%20paula-ford%20martin&f=false
But this book : The Kid Turned Out Fine, edited by Paula Ford-Martin here: https://www.amazon.com/Kid-Turned-Out-Fine-Cartoons-ebook/dp/B005GIRNOC/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=the+kid+turned+out+fine&qid=1631116398&sr=8-2
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